A little while ago...
we were listening to Sophie describe herself giving a blow job.
Don't you think that's slightly more fertile ground...
than what's at the bottom of your mother's laundry basket?
Pull your weight and steer the conversation back...
to something in the same universe as sex.
Remember, the thing that was supposed to be the primary focus this evening?
Don't make me resort to the fail-safe.
- Where are you going? - Excuse me.
No. Bad idea.
Ah,Jesus.
Everything okay over there?
No. I can't go with you standing there.
- Why not? - I just can't. Get out of here.
Can't go through life with a shy bladder, Nick.
You're gonna be spending a lot of time in bars.
Most of them will have restrooms just like this one.
Fine. Then you go. You go fiirst.
I don't have to. Just came in to rinse my hands.
Forget it.
- Let's go, kid. - No, look. I'm with somebody.
Uncle Roger, could you please tell him? He doesn't--
- How you doing? - No, I don't know him.
- Bedtime, kid. Let's go. - Uncle Roger.
- Come on, kid. Out. - Could you please--
He's my-- Uncle Roger! Really, go back in there.
Look, I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.
- Good luck with that. - Okay.
- You okay? - Oh, hey.
I guess I should've waited to use the bathroom.
Okay. Unless the novelty of hanging out with prom king here has worn off...
I suggest we get a bottle and fiind someplace with a view.
- All right. Let's fiind a view. - Let's fiind a view. Ladies.
- That was close. - That's good. Thank you.
- This is the fiinest. - That's good.Just a little bit.
Thank you.
Just a little. That's good. That's good.
- How do you like the wine? - I like it.
It makes my chest feel warm.
- Roger, you're a bad influence. - Yes, I am.
- Alcohol, women of loose morals. - And gambling.
That's right. Gambling.
I don't see Nick complaining.
Although I have to say, for women of loose morals...
conversation has been pretty tame so far tonight.
With the notable exception of Sophie's oral presentation.
Shut up.
It'd be helpful for Nick to hear more of the female perspective of the sex act.
- Do you agree? - God.
Where to begin?
Nick will get us started. Nick?
Go ahead.
Ask away. Any question you like.
Keep it interesting.
All right.
I guess I'd like to know what your fiirst time was like.
- That's what you come up with? - That is a great question.
Thank you.
I'll go fiirst.
- It was my junior year. - High school or college?
High school.
His name was Bobby Rushton, and we weren't even dating.
I just picked him out one day and decided he was gonna be the one.
- Why did you pick him? - Sense of humor?
Ha-ha. He was funny, as I remember, but...
it was something more than that.
It was like this vibe.
I knew he would be nice.
He wasn't very popular, and I didn't think he'd brag about me to his friends.
- That's half the fun. - Well, he didn't.
He was just as nervous as I was.
Which is part of the reason that I picked him...
because I think I wanted to have some control.
- You know? - You were his fiirst as well then?
Yeah. In fact, I went with him to go get the condoms.
We biked all the way across town...
because we were so afraid someone might see us.
- We planned the thing for a month. - I love this story.
- Yes. - So, where did you, you know?
It was in my house, in my room.
My parents were away for the weekend.
- Did you bleed? - The usual. Not too bad.
Wait. So it hurts the fiirst time?
Well, it really hurts...
that fiirst second.
And then after that, it's just new.
You know? It's like this new feeling for your body.
So how was he?
- Matter of seconds? - No way! He kept going like a champ.
I had to ask him to hurry up, actually.
- Ow! - Yeah.
He did admit to masturbating like crazy beforehand so he wouldn't just--
- Like he wasn't doing that already. - No, he sounds like a nice guy.
- He sounds like a dream come true. - He was a nice guy.
He's a cop now. He's got four kids.
Early sex is an absolute humiliation.
Oh. Speak for yourself. My fiirst time was wonderful.
Oh, yeah?
Let me take a wild guess.
- An older gentleman. - Right you are.
- Married? - Right again.
How old were you?
I was 1 9. Freshman in college.
Guess you didn't spend a lot of time getting to know your roommates.
No. No, I don't even remember what they look like.
So what happened?
Well, believe it or not, he ended up staying with his wife.
What are the odds?
What did you do when you realized he wasn't going to leave her?
Well, Nick, I got over it eventually...
and vowed not to repeat the mistake.
- And how's that going? - Some months are better than others.
- Uh-huh. - Sophie--
- I didn't say anything. - What can I do? They're all married.
I promised I would not be a nag. It's okay.
You, hotshot. Tell us about your fiirst time.
Actually, I think Nick's story is much more interesting. Nick?
- This I want to hear. - Yeah.
Nicholas?
Well, this is hard to admit, but...
I've never had sex.
You're a virgin?
Yes.
That is so sexy. Am I right?
- It's hot. - Really?
- Yeah. - Do you have a girlfriend?
- No. Never. - Have you ever kissed a girl?
Yeah, a couple of times in junior high playing truth or dare...
but they weren't like real kisses.
No tongue?
I guess, but more than that. They were just stiff.
Not like I imagined that they should be.
Nick, come here for a second.
Oh, my God.
Now, don't fall in love with me or anything, okay?
That was just to get you through junior year.
All right.
I couldn't resist being your fiirst kiss.
That's right.
Forever and ever, you will be his fiirst kiss.
- Get away from me. - Come on. For symmetry.
No, not a chance. Nick.
- How do you feel? - My heart is beating really fast.
- He knows just what to say. - Is he a good kisser?
Oh, he's gonna break some hearts.
How 'bout down below, Nick?
Any, you know, vertical displacement?
Leave him alone. How you doing, Casanova?
- I'm okay. - Sure?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Look, I confess. I'm married. I keep my ring in my wallet.
Even if you were married.
Yeah, yeah.
So, Nick.
Take a moment to fiile this away for later. You understand what I mean?
Just think, Sophie.
In the next six months, every time Nick jerks off, he'll be picturing you.
- Don't be an asshole. - I don't do that, okay?
It's true. Okay, so I'm not married.
What's important is the emotional unavailability, right?
- That's what you look for. - I'm leaving.
And, Sophie, you've even provided young Nicholas here...
with a particular image to help structure his fantasy.
Fuck you, Roger. Do you have a place to stay tonight?
- He's staying with me. - You can come with us.
He's with me. Unless you're fiinally ready to do something constructive.
Like help Nick have an orgasm, huh, Sophie?
- It's time to cut your uncle loose. - You're disgusting. We're outta here.
- You take care. - Andrea?
- Oh, disgusting. - Fuck you.
Ladies? I--
Was it something he said?
Asshole!
But no. Don't I-- Okay, here's your chance.
What are you talking about? Why did you say that?
Good cop, bad cop.
I planted the seed. Now go and close the deal, all right?
- I can't go-- - You think you'll get a better chance?
Go, for Christ's sake, and remember the primary objective.
Go, go, go!
Run, Nick, run.
Sophie!
Hey, Sophie. I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it. It's not your fault he's a jerk.
I know. I wish it didn't have to just end like this.
We're going now.
I suggest you call off your bet and go home.
The bet thing was just bullshit, okay?
I know.
You take it easy, okay?
Look, I want us to--
Don't spoil the wonderful time we had tonight.
You know?
This is to remember me by.
Take care, Nick.
We need more men like you.
Hey.
What happened?
What? Nothing happened.
So you're oh for one.
She wasn't gonna go for it. I couldn't ask her.
- You gonna sleep with Sophie tonight? - It was obvious. She was not--
Are you going to have sex with Sophie tonight?
- No. - Then I repeat: you're oh for one.
You need to learn how to fiinish. Anyone can get halfway home.
We're switching to plan B. Hey!
I think a change of venue will improve your luck.
Wait! Hold up! Stop!
Do me a favor. Stay here till we're inside.
- So where we goin'? - Finish up.
- We're going to a party. Come on. - Whose party is it?
Fuck! Over here. Over here.
Look at this. Beautiful glasswork.
Whoa, whoa.
Why we running?
That doorman has a hateful personality.
Listen up. It's gonna be a whole new dynamic up there.
Stay focused.
Don't talk to any guys. That's a defiinite rally-killer.
Keep moving at all times. No hiding in the bathroom.
Here we are. Hey.
- Look who it is. - Hey, Chris. How are you?
This is my nephew Nick. Chris.
- How are you? - How ya doin'?
Wait. Do you have a bathroom I could use?
- A what? - A bathroom I could use?
A what?
I've been trying to shake this woman all night.
This is Donovan.
I'm the only one here that's my age.
Where did you think we were going, the junior prom?
I think I'm drunk.
Come here.
Nick. Do you know where we are?
- I think you said Greenwich Street. - We're in winning time.
- Okay. Winning time. - Right. Okay?
It's a little harder to recognize than when you're in a bar...
but the concept is the same.
There's an incredible moment that happens when a party...
passes its apex, its peak.
As if by magic, suddenly every person in the room...
is acutely aware of the time.
It is at that moment that the fear hits.
- What fear? - The fear of the empty apartment.
Oh. Yeah.
That is more than most people can stand.
Desperation creeps into the room like a fog.
Eyes begin to search the crowd anxiously.
Standards are drastically lowered. I mean, it's palpable.
- You know what I'm saying? - Not really.
What I'm saying is, you have a real shot here, Nick.
This is the moment that separates a true champion.
You remember the reason you fiirst asked for my help?
The primary goal?
- Yes. - Then let me help you...
to achieve it.
All right. So.
We need to scope out who the drinkers are.
Every party needs a pace car, a rabbit.
Always look for the girls who are two drinks ahead of everybody else.
How do you do that?
Listen for inappropriately loud bursts of laughter...
or scan the crowd for somebody spilling a drink.
Check the dance floor for somebody working out of their zone.
How about them? They seem pretty drunk.
Good afternoon.
God, this is so embarrassing. I don't know how this happened.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, Donna.
- Hi. - How ya doin'?
- Well-- - Good. Listen.
This is my nephew I want to introduce. Nick.
- Hi. - I saw you earlier at the offiice.
Hi, Nick. Donna.
- Nice to see you. - You too.
- Roger's showing you the town? - Yeah, some of it.
Yeah, Nick's visiting.
Why don't you tell Donna about the bet we got going.
- See you in a second. - Huh? Wait.
What bet? What's he got you involved in?
- Oh, it's nothing. Really. - What is this?
Oh, that. I don't even know.
- It's cute. - Thanks.
I don't even use it.
Eighty. Hot. Eighty degrees.
That is hot. Yeah.
We made a bet whether I can get someone to fall in love with me tonight.
Wow.
- For how much? - A thousand bucks.
Get outta here.
Well, so, how's it going so far?
Excuse me. Thank you.
Thank you. Cheers.
Yeah.
To love.
Oh, hello.
You're not the infamous Roger Swanson I've heard so much about, are you?
That's me. Yes.
Joyce says of all of her copy people, you are the funniest.
- I'm a laugh riot. - No, she says that.
- Why would I lie? - What's your name?
I'm sorry. I haven't introduced myself.
I'm Patricia.Joyce and I went to college together.
Nice to meet you. Patty, would you do me a favor?
Sure. I can certainly try.
See that kid right over there in the corner?
- Yeah. - That's my nephew Nick.
- Oh, really. He's so cute. - He is.
- He's still a virgin. - No!
- Swear to God. - Poor boy. How old is he?
He's 1 6. Now, listen.
My time with Joyce taught me that older women fuck like jackrabbits...
and Nick is at his absolute peak sexually.
So, I fiigure, the two of you go at it...
it would be like Frazier and Ali.
- Right? - Something is wrong with you.
No, I'm serious. What do you say?
- As a kind of a... - I'm gonna--
Red Cross moment or--
Okay. Nice to see you.
- How's it goin' over here? - Hey, Roger.
- Now, who let you in? - Who let me in? You let me in.
What?
You know, Nick here is a real ladies' man.
You're lucky he's spending all this time with you.
Yeah, that's me. The lucky lady.
Actually... I think I had too much to drink.
- Uh-oh. - Would you like to lie down?
Nick, Nick. Excellent idea.
Good one. Come on, darling. Let's fiind you a place to lie down.
Oh, no.Just when things were getting good.
Things are still good.
- Come on. - Where are we going?
- We're going. - We are?
We're going right around this little corner.
- Here we go. - I forgot to eat.
Nick, stay with us. Keep close.
- Okay. - Good.
- All right. So I'll just-- - Oh, excellent.
- Are you all right? - I'll just leave you two together.
- Okay. - No, don't go.
- You're in capable hands, believe me. - What are you doing?
Hang on a second.
What are we gonna do?
We are not gonna do anything... at all.
I'll be on guard duty, okay?
You need to work fast. If I were you, I'd switch to the two-minute offense.
What are you talking about? Wait, Uncle Roger--
Love you.
Don't go.
Oh, let me introduce you.
This is Donovan Lehman, Christopher Weland...
our two collaborators.
I think they're gonna be perfect for you.
You told me you wanted something a little bit magic, a bit surreal.
Hey, hey, Donovan. How are you, man?
- Roger. Hey, man. - How are you?
Hey, Chris.
Look at you two.
You seem like the happy couple. What's your secret?
Sorry. You know what they say about dipping the pen in the company ink.
- I guess so. - I know what they say. Yes, they do.
All right.
Look at you.
Go to sleep.
I think we got sidetracked there.
Seriously, Donovan, with all the pressure facing men today...
it's got to be tough to maintain a relationship.
I don't know. Let's ask a man. Chris?
Traditional male roles are being tossed aside...
before we have any chance to make an internal shift, don't you think?
Our culture seems designed to emasculate and infantilize.
- That's a strong statement. - Why don't you go and...
help yourself to some food?
It's particularly true in a situation when the woman is...
two decades older than the man.
- Roger! - Approximately.
We were having this discussion the other day--
Is it your mission in life to humiliate yourself?
It's more of a hobby really.
I want you to leave right now.
You want me to leave and go where?
Think very hard about what you're doing.
Go where,Joyce? Where do you want me to go?
You're through.
You lied to me. You are a liar.
- I want you to leave. - Who's he?
Who the fuck is he?
Who is he? What--
Don't get comfortable.
Don't ever settle in like you own the place. Trust me.
There's always something gaining on you.
And here they come now. Hey, guys. Good luck.
Sorry. Take care now.
Let me get a coat here. Take care.
Nice to see you. Thanks,Joyce! Bye-bye!
What just happened?
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
That didn't go exactly as I had hoped.
What happened in there? What were you shouting about?
Doesn't matter. What about you?
- Did you get it on with Donna? - No.
- Why not? - Are you kidding? She was passed out!
Nick, you have had one golden opportunity after another this evening.
You haven't exactly shown yourself to be a clutch player.
- Hey! - What happened in there?
- Are you drunk? - I'm going home.
- Where do you need to be dropped? - What?
That's it?
We've had a full evening. I think you're ready to fly solo.
- You said there was a fail-safe. - What fail-safe?
Back at the bar. You said there was a fail-safe.
Did I?
- I don't think you want the fail-safe. - No, I want it!Just stop.
- You sure? - Yes, I'm sure.
I'm not going home like this, all right?
I'm sure. Okay?
You know what? You're right.
Why give into a slump? Let's go down swinging.
- Yes. Like Michael Jordan. - Right.
That's the wrong sport, but I like your enthusiasm. Let's go.
All right. Thanks.
Come on. Come on.
Hey. Two of us.
That's 200.
One... two.
- Is he a minor? - I'm an actor. I'm researching a role.
It's a hundred to fuck me.
Tip.
Come on.
Wait.Just slow down.
Please slow down.
- We're goin' home. - Hey! Hey!
- What are you doing? - Easy, easy.
Get outta here. Motherfucker, get off me!
- Get off me! - Get outta here!
Nick!
Nick.
Nick, don't worry about it.
It's okay. It's all right!
Nick!
Chill!
It's all right, man.
Jesus.
Fucking booze.
Come on.
Come here.
-Jesus. - Don't tell--
Go to sleep.
Okay.
Roger, pick up the goddamn phone.
Nick is gone. No one's seen him in two days.
I am frantic, and I need you to call me, please.
Oh, my God.
There's coffee.
I don't drink caffeine.
Yes.
I keep losing my balance.
- That'll pass. - Yeah.
So, Nick...
tell me more about Columbia.
What did you think of the campus?
I don't know. It was fiine.
Did you... look around the neighborhood?
Maybe you could tell me about the different things you saw on your tour.
I'm sorry I got so mad.
You're what?
Last night.
You were trying to teach me the way that things are done, and I--
I guess I kept fucking it up. So--
So I shouldn't have gotten so mad.
I'm... sorry I disappointed you.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Anyone can have an off night. It's happened to me.
You said you score every night.
I say a lot of things. Look, Nick.
Call your mom, will you?
I'm sure she would like to hear from you.
Forget it. I'll see her when I get home.
Call her anyway. Come on.
I'll leave you to it.
I guess I'll see you at the next funeral.
Why? Who's sick?
What? No, I'm kidding.
Me too.
All right. Good-bye, Uncle Roger.
See you, Nick.
Don't tip. I got it.
How long does it usually take to get to the airport?
- About a half hour, sir. - Right.
You see Angela today?
- How come? - No bra.
I swear to God.
That's unhealthy. They're gonna sag when she gets older.
Fuck 'em up.
So go tell her, Nick.
What?
Go tell her.
Yeah, maybe she doesn't know.
- You know, you'd be doing her a favor. - Yeah.
A true favor.
Yeah.
Look who dropped by for a visit.
Girls.
Young women.
Female human beings.
Female hearts beating beneath...
those tight sweaters.
Feminine blood coursing through their veins.
Living, breathing girls.
What are you young men in the prime of your lives doing about this?
I'm doing plenty.
- Yeah? You're getting plenty of action? - Oh, yeah.
He has to beat 'em off with a stick.
Unfortunately, I'm not talking about ''whack-off.com,'' okay?
I'm talking about the girls in this room.
I'm talking about communicating.
I'm talking about engaging.
I'm talking about standing up from this...
guys-only, Star Trek-convention, frankly, homoerotic little group...
and introducing yourself to one of these girls.
Yeah, but I always get so nervous.
Why? There's nothing at stake.
If there was a chance of you actually getting laid...
then you'd have a reason to be nervous.
Try working someone in a bar for three hours...
and then you gotta close the deal right before last call.
That's pressure. Okay?
You guys can treat this like it's a warm-up.
You're trying to fiind your style. So you get nervous?
Maybe you're the nervous guy. Maybe that's your hook.
So go ahead and blush. Stutter all you want.
Show her how she makes you feel.
Think of it. You're combining honesty and flattery.
- That's lethal. - Yeah, but...
you can't let a girl know how nervous you are.
You gotta let her know you're in control, right?
''In control''? Who is this guy?
You're in high school. You don't control any-- Look at your face.
Look at what you're eating, for Christ's sake.
Look at that shirt.
In control.
All right.
Who's the one you guys are all desperate to talk to?
Angela.
Defiinitely.
- Angela. - Okay. Here's what you could say.
Hi, Angela. My name is-- What is it?
- Darren. - My name is Darren.
Every time I see you in the hall, I have the urge to talk to you.
So I try to think of something clever to say...
but I get so nervous...
that nothing comes out.
We don't know each other right now, but I'd like to maybe...
invite you out for a soda sometime so that we could talk.
I'd like to see what we have in common.
But most of all, I'm curious to fiind out...
what kind of person you really are...
because I am tired of looking at you from a dist--
And so on and so forth.
Take that out for a spin. See how it works.
Yeah. See her turn around and walk back to the jock table.
- Yeah. - If that happens...
you go to sleep knowing you gave it your best shot.
Remember, she has to show you something as well.
I'd love it if Angela showed me something.
- Yeah. Two things. - Yeah!
I'd lick 'em.
Well, I tried. Hang in there, Nick.
Wait. You're going?
Yeah, I gotta get home, look for work.
As we speak, consumers everywhere need reminding...
of just how fat and unattractive they are.
Nice meeting you, men.
Keep your sense of humor.
In ten years, you won't even remember what this place looks like. Trust me.
Dude, your uncle is strange.
Yeah, I know. I guess he is.
Yeah, but he's cool. You gonna visit him again?
I don't know.
What?
Hey, Nick.
Some guy, I guess he's your uncle...
he said you had something to tell me.
He said it would ''blow my mind.''
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